In two days it will be my one year anniversary of moving to Toronto to pursue life, liberty, style, and Stand Up Comedy. As per usual, nothing went as planned and I got a little lost along the way. I’ve had panic attacks in grocery stores over the price of bread, and I’ve lounged in the hot tub at the Shangri-La hotel.
I started to get used to being here and to the absurd shapes life can take at times. Then it was time to visit home. After a year of shedding my skin and becoming the me I want to be, I wriggled back into my Winnipeg self for two weeks. It was nice, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time there, but I don’t feel at home performing on Winnipeg stages anymore.
I feel like an alien or a fraud or some other thing. Everything’s familiar but different and the people who intimidated me before continue to intimidate me, despite my psychic’s advice.
I found a new voice and a level of confidence out here in the big city, but when I hear it echoing up against the me I was 5, 10, 15 and 20 years ago it feels fake. It’s like if you became your best friend’s boss and you suddenly had all this authority and they’re looking at you like “what the fuck, did you just say ‘have it on my desk by Monday?'”
In some ways, you absolutely can go home again. There are restaurants smiles and hugs and your mom’s couch and your old dog and long walks past the trees you used to know. In other ways, it’s a total Criss Angel Mind Freak(tm).
And just when I was getting used to it, I came here again. Feeling homesick and not all the way up for the task ahead.
I’ve come back to the realization that the past year as been a spiral. I’m almost exactly where I was when I first moved here, only slightly farther ahead. I quit my job, so I’m looking. It’s hot out, so I’m sweating while I do it. I have a lot of ideas, but I’m confused about what to do next.
I’ve got to stay humble, work hard, and believe my own hype to the point where I might be able to feel like a really fabulous person and not like a dreamy diner waitress with a faraway expression in a Billy Joel song.
I guess that’s all I can say for now.